After Sexual Abuse
What may be included within the sexual abuse framework runs a wide gamut. Do we include coercion which is so widely accepted in our culture? I don’t know. But there certainly is no place for any of this in relationship to a child. Many people who have been sexually abused go on and make mistakes sexually. I use the words “victim” and “perpetrator” because they are descriptive. I do not mean to use them to induce shame. With shame brings hiding. Hiding brings the inability to heal. And so many of us yearn to heal.
After sexual abuse:
Bring up memories, any memories, which have even the slightest sexual abuse present embedded within them.
There will be a natural movement away from these memories. The moment sexual abuse occurs as a child, the event itself, is radically damaging and immediately misunderstood. As a child there is no concept associated with a corrupt sexual act. As a child there is incoming information but the information is not painful in the same way that falling down on concrete is painful. The pain of sexual abuse is insidious and branches out from inside. As a culture we don’t readily recognize more subtle forms of pain which grows from the inside out. Weirded out/confused/dissociated/creepy sensations, they alight from inside, and are not validated as real. As a society we do not treat children’s emotions as particularly important. This can be a set up for children to make the innocent mistake of not telling someone about sexual abuse. Sexual abuse is confusing as pleasure, attention, horror, and disgust blend. Effort must be utilized to move toward these memories. To move away from memories is a type of defense. The defense is there to protect the perpetrator. If the perpetrator can be pacified, there is a mistaken perception that safety may be attained. Perpetrators are most often found within the family and so it is natural and even necessary to have a somewhat positive relationship with the perpetrator. “In cases where some positive feelings or ambivalence were present, the trauma was often greater than when the experience was totally unwanted.” (The Secret Trauma, 1986.)
(Note: If you do seek out a therapist who understands the importance of moving toward these memories, only relay your story when it feels in alignment with what you want to do in the moment. Critically look at the natural desire to avoid memories— against what feels right to you in the moment. This is honoring yourself. This is respecting yourself. If it doesn’t feel right to convey your experience to someone, don’t, no matter the context. It may do you more harm than good.)
Do not listen to your minds justifications. Mind will try to ignore sexual abuse because there is a part of your mind which has ingested your view of the world from the perpetrator’s perspective. Van Der Kolk speaks of trauma being “engraved” inside the body. When abuse happens early in life it mirrors the abusers mind until issues are worked through consciously. How this shows up in life can be varied and complex. Having a history of physical, mental, or sexual abuse, it may be that one assumes fault for something when feelings of guilt or shame arise. This is a misunderstanding springing forth from a defense mechanism. Perpetrators often back down once blame is successfully assigned to someone else. Bringing blame upon oneself as a victim, feeling guilt within active abuse, can be protective in that moment. This is the same concept as when someone is about to physically attack and the other person cowers. Cowering tends to divert the assault because power is felt by the perpetrator once some form of blame has been attributed to the victim. The perpetrator backs down feeling powerful. (The perpetrator is choosing to not know that they are actively eroding the relationship. They are choosing to believe that cowering means they [the perpetrator] are correct.) The action is directly protective as a child. (Avoiding immediate harm.) However the feeling may become automatic. Abuse followed by the abused feeling guilty is a problem. It may have been helpful as a small child in extraordinarily difficult circumstances. When an abusive person receives information indicating someone is to blame, i.e. when the perpetrator see a guilt response in their victim, they may back down in the moment but it fuels the perpetrators viewpoint that the perpetrator is the victim of wrongdoing. When the perpetrator see’s a guilt response or cowering it fuels this misunderstanding. These interactions hold together a fragile relationship that is based on severe confusion.
Give up all hope that an adult human being who has sexually abused you as a child is going to understand your viewpoint. Perpetrators are motivated by power and control issues— hostile and aggressive impulses. Looking sincerely at problematic power/control/sexual behavior does not feel powerful. Hopeful fantasies of recognition of pain is hopeless. The abuser views themselves as acting in your best interest during the act of abuse. “It turned out, in fact, that it was frequently the perpetrator who perceived the experience as beneficial” (Herman, 1981.) For further insight see Joyce Carol Oates’ very descriptive essay titled “Lethal.”
Be aware of your own perceived need for love, attention, and caring. There is a strong desire in people who have been sexually abused early in life, for love, attention, and caring. This is natural in all human beings but for those of us who have been sexually abused, it is different. If there were words to describe this dynamic, it would be something like that natural desire for love and caring is amplified and confused. Love and care can be seen in a relationship when there is very little love and care. Where love and care is present in a relationship it can feel confusing and possibly unattainable and painful. It is an innocent and unconscious dynamic that is being played out because there is confusion about intimate and trusting relationships.
There may be unconscious parts (trauma expert, Bessell Van Der Kolk would say “engraved” parts) of you which consistently fail to protect. There is often a lack of protection of self, and possibly, failure to protect children. After child sex abuse there may be an unknowing, an inability to recognize, one’s inherent value. Past sexual abuse opens the door to behavior which allows oneself to be exposed to questionable experiences where danger may be present. I attribute this, in a broad way, to a sort of mirroring of a past environment. He or she was not protected as a child, and the past experience may get deciphered as being a person who is not worth protecting. It is a lived experience decoded incorrectly which continues to do damage. You are worth protecting. This may need to be explored and made your own.
It is important to know that people who have been sexually abused in childhood trust their partner beyond what is reasonable. Healthy trust between partners is grown from ongoing experiences with one’s partner. It naturally ebbs and flows as each person questions their own behavior and motives along with their partner’s behavior and motives. It is part of maturing as individuals and as a couple. Women who have been sexually abused during childhood seem to place their trust in their partner without clear reason and it does not shift with incoming information. What unfolds for the abused person tends to be a desire to feel safe, and the way this is attempted is by pleasing their partner. This soothes the partner, however the soothing of the partner never last long because nothing deeper has been addressed and understood. In addition, the abusive partner senses their successful manipulation, feels success at taking advantage, this is followed by a feeling of dominance/power which temporarily shifts them away from their feelings of lack, insecurity, and helplessness. What follows is a confused belief that their partner can take away their suffering and they have a right to demand pleasing behavior. The confusion continues and escalates. The abused person finds themselves chronically managing their own mood, and continues to attempt to manage their partners poor behavior. This repeats until the abused person realizes their power to change their circumstance. (i.e. moving out and away from the perpetrator when possible.).
It is imperative to understand your own contribution to the abusive situations, if any. This is not blame but to become clear about the entirety of the situation. If understanding is superficial, healing will also be superficial. For example, it may be as simple as acknowledging ones own silence. Silence within abuse is understandable and even necessary. Silence may, in addition, have really hurt you. “…perpetrators rely on the silence of their chosen victims.” (The Secret Trauma, 1986.)
Chronic passivity is common around sexuality due to a history of when it was of no use trying to protect oneself. Van Der Kolk states in his March 2000 article from Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience, “In many people with PTSD, such helplessness and paralysis become a habitual way of responding to stressful stimuli, further weakening their feelings of control over their destiny.” Embedded within the sexually abused child mind, and eventually the adult mind, is a deep internal tendency to shift toward learned helplessness. This is a reflection of the actual helplessness that occurred under the control of an abusive person as a child. If this is something you see in yourself, it is worth bringing your attention to it. Get to know this part of you that feels helpless. It needs to be known and understood. It may have saved you in a dire situation. It needs your gratitude. That said, it is much less helpful, even hurtful, as an adult. If you see yourself passively “willing” to have sex with your partner, it is worth imagining what it would be like to be assertive about boundaries as it applies to sex. Imagine being able to say when, where, and how sexual contact will occur, if it will occur at all. Imagine having that boundary respected. Is it possible this is how a healthy sexual relationship might look? Asserting this boundary is all sorts of confused in our general population. Cultural messages encourage “seduction” which is, at its root, a feeling of going after and conquering. When residing in a seduction story it is very much a cat and mouse game. Predatory. This opens up the possibility to all sorts of sexual coercion, not only among those who have experienced sexual abuse but also in the general population. In the iconic book, The Secret Trauma by Diana E.H. Russell, she states, “Women who place or find themselves in risky situations in the predatory world in which we live are quite likely to be raped. This does not, of course, mean they want to be raped, or that they don’t mind it. It means that their self-esteem may be so damaged that they don’t feel they deserve their own loving self-protection.”
Chronic avoidance of abuse memories and an unknowing of ongoing issues stemming from abuse is the norm. Avoidance will only delay recovery. Avoidance will affect current decisions. Structured forms of therapy address this issue of avoidance by creating a firm structure which moves toward abuse memories. Avoidance of the memories confuse the mind. An example of this dynamic is when there is a scapegoat within a family unit. The scapegoat will be the person who is either the kindest or weakest or most depressed person within the family structure. Fears and inadequacies are projected on to this person. Shortcomings of the abuser are refused, not seen, and projected on to the scapegoat. The confused family projects “love” on to the perpetrator— the fear and loathing is placed in the lap of the person who will listen—and, more importantly, not fight back. In reality, everyone is trying to stay safe. If the abuser can be treated with the utmost consideration, hatred/anger is safely projected onto the weaker/kinder/depressed human being. There is then a sort of balance that is created within the home. The mystifying part of social and family dynamics can become understood as memories are examined, felt, and integrated.
There is often a movement away from emotion. This may lead to crippling depression and/or anxiety. We are human beings that need care and consideration and this is simply true. The misunderstanding is that we can brush past trauma and move on. If you have been harmed it is natural to lay down and feel all the pain and suffering that it entails. This is the path toward healing. It will take time, energy, and resources. If there is an enormous amount of suffering there may be a need to feel the suffering in bits and pieces. If healing is what you are after, this human need will be addressed and accommodated.
Citations
Russell, Diana E.H. The Secret Trauma. New York, Basic Books, Inc., 1986.
Herman, Judith Lewis. Father Daughter Incest. Massachusetts, Harvard University Press, 1981.
Bessell, Van Der Kolk. Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience, March 2000.