Depression
Depression can be addressed and it can be challenged. If you can find someone whom you trust, speak to them. If you can find a therapist you can trust, go to them. Having someone you can trust to be honest will be immensely useful. Take note that someone helpful does not need to be witty, charming, nor entertaining. An honest human being will help to make obstacles smaller or more clear. It’s helpful if there is some compassion and life experience there; a person who can really listen to what is going on underneath the words. Someone who is comfortable with hurt and pain because much of the world may be frightened of hurt and pain and would like to move away from it. This is natural but not helpful for depression.
It is important to note that therapy can be started and stopped at any time. There is no timeline that applies except the one that feels right to you. If you have someone telling you differently, talk about this to better understand one another’s viewpoint. From my perspective, it seems important to have flexibility and autonomy. You want to be free to address what comes up, when it comes up. It’s good to have a lot of autonomy.
Sometimes medication can help. I talk about this in a video that you may refer to.
Depression is a vast topic we may never fully understand. I will describe some of the territory. Words are clumsy at best, but I will try to fit human experience into concepts.
Crisis and Loss
This is a form of grief that can morph into depression. We have all had some sort of crisis and know the panic and the internal struggle. You regain your footing, or you loose your footing, or some of each, over and over. There is that moment when you realize the loss of someone or something of great value. There can be enormous internal struggle and fight followed by a complete emotional collapse. Support and kindness are necessary. Notice if you are open to accepting support and kindness and open to seeking it out. It really is necessary. The hallmark of this kind of grief is replaying stories in ones head and heart. There can be some confusion about the loss, and so very many tears. This form of grief becomes intense as volumes of emotion pour forth. If grief can be allowed space—lots of space—it can move and, eventually, shift. Strongly desiring a shift out of grief keeps it in place. It will slow or even halt healing. Everyone wants to feel better but pushing at yourself to feel better will not be productive. Let me expand on this as I know it can be a confusing for many who have experienced a loss and need to continue living life. After all, life does not stop for grief. However, life must come to rest on some level. When someone tries to push through grief by moving forward with life, nothing is resolved. When something like this stays unresolved and there is no detour made into the unknown world of grief, memories can be agonizing, body energy low. Enjoyment may be had but with a heavy heart. Pleasure may be sought because it lessens the pain; low level sadness remains. A dull depression can be engrained in ones nervous system if effort and willpower are utilized to avoid the flow of emotion.
Grief is exhausting. It can be intentionally moved through and life can go on in the midst of grief. It does take some careful planning and respect toward how you are doing and adjusting expectations. Grief is grieving through you, and in the process, is showing you the deep value of what has now been permanently lost. Would we want it any other way? Does it not inform us about the deep value of the person, or pet, who we have lost?
Misunderstanding
This is a type of depression that takes root stemming from a hidden web of misunderstandings. These webs form below the surface of consciousness and start in childhood. Everybody is going to have some of these and they may come from small confused interactions. They take effort to pick apart, strand by strand. These misunderstanding are complex, sticky, and fragile. If you have ever weeded a very weedy bed, it is a good analogy. A complex of wispy strands all connected to one another underground. Each weed strand is an event that engraved a confused message in your body about life. A big subconscious tangle. Here I will list common misunderstandings that create problematic webs:
*it is very important to hide what is happening inside of you so you do not call attention to yourself;
*ignore your feelings unless it is an emotion that is approved of;
*pretend to be okay so you look independent even if you need help;
*taking good care of your physical and mental wellbeing is selfish;
*you are responsible for other people’s poor behavior;
*it is important to have shared beliefs and avoid your own opinion, this is how you show you care for others;
*care toward others is important, care toward one’s own well being is not; *there is something inherently wrong about your behavior even when there is no malice intended;
*authority is more important than your personal concerns; *it is not okay to firmly say “no”; *it is more important to prioritize other people and their preferences; *you don’t get to have your preferences respect; *protecting yourself and having boundaries threatens others;
*you should not trust yourself.
These may seem crass and overstated but when buried in the unconscious it echos through the psyche and makes its presence known through behavior. All of these webs are problematic in part because they slow down an understanding of yourself and slow down your learning of how to genuinely care and love yourself. You may be aware of some unconscious webs that alter your life and your experience but feel unable to address them in a useful way. They can be tricky to spot since problematic thought patterns run in the background of the mind. This is what people refer to as the subconscious. The subconscious is a mysterious place. If misunderstandings stay at the level of the subconscious you will play out this level of consciousness in your own life. It behooves you to be interested in what your mind is doing and how it effects you. Notice I chose the word “interested” because there is a human tendency toward shaming or hating subconscious behaviors. When shamed or hated these unconscious webs shrink back and snap only to grow afresh. Something else needs to be explored or you will stay in this place and perpetuate your current experience. Something else will include patience, kindness toward yourself and others, and a little hope that things can, and will, change. There is a need for growth and growth is often painful. Ultimately you are creating a very good internal compass, one that will navigate you through life effectively.
Being Lost
What I am about to describe is a form of depression that can range from mild to severe. I will describe a severe form—the most complex form—and allow the reader to see what may, or may not, apply to them.
Deep depression can be experienced when a person does not know that there is an inner world, and so does not pay much attention to it. The attitude is to essentially ignore what is erupting internally. From this viewpoint people mistakenly view themselves as an object, albeit, an unconscious belief. The mindset tends to be that depression will be managed rather than respected as a complex force of nature—a complex force of nature with possible deep confusion and potential for deep wisdom. From this unconscious viewpoint life can easily become arduous and confusing. A hall of mirrors, where everything is distorted, and it is difficult to confidently move forward. Life reflects this distorted mirror since the fundamental tenant is faulty. People are seen as cause and effect phenomenon and life is handled in a way to receive the most pleasure, sustenance, security. This sort of depression includes a bodily sense of density: difficultly moving the body, a lack of motivation, pain in the body, and dissociation.
Almost all people dissociate but most do not suffer from depression and anxiety as a result. A mild form of dissociation happens when reading a book or watching something that is engaging. Harmless. Dissociation is a term that is used when this natural tendency of forgetting ourselves becomes a way of life and then becomes a severe state of disconnect with self.
I will describe a more severe form of dissociation since it is difficult to conceptualize but is very much a part of some types of depression. Clinical dissociation can be defined as “Disconnection and lack of continuity between thoughts, memories, surroundings, actions, and identity.” (mayoclinic.org). An episode of dissociation can last for seconds, minutes, or hours. It is subtle and usually goes unacknowledged. Dissociation feels like an internal disconnect, internal numbness. When a person is dissociated there is a high likelihood that that memory will be fuzzy and possibly not accessible. People making an effort to not dissociate usually report feeling anxiety and discomfort as they try to stay present with their experience. Often, people who are making efforts to refrain from dissociating do so through bodily movement because agitation can become intense. The struggle to stay rooted in the present moment is uncomfortable.
The draw of dissociation is that when dissociated, feelings can feel less intense, more detached. The downside of dissociation is that positive feelings become detached and life becomes less satisfying. It is a scenario where a person has to keep running from their internal world because an ocean of pain has been created and chronically avoided. What may start out as entertaining oneself (one kind of dissociation) leads to often feeling spaced out, which leads to a heavier feeling of brain fog, and this can lead to, if avoidance continues, a deep numbing. It is not a place of great pain, but a place of great dullness. There is a lack of vibrancy. If this continues, placing oneself in danger can feel invigorating and enlivening. This is also a place in which self harm can induce a feeling of being more focused and present. This is a place where one may seek or tolerate violent and/or sexually confused relationships. The things that feel enlivening lead a person down and into an even darker path of confused depression. If one slows down, or life slows a person down while in the darker more confused depression, one may notice that there is an important internal world (consciousness and the subconscious) giving all kinds of messages. Discovery of an internal self who may be withered to the bone and numbed out. Almost like a skeleton with some flesh on it, in the corner of ones psyche. For those of us who have been here, the territory is serious but a discovery can be made. Life does not move in ways that you understand and life will get worse if you don’t start paying close attention to how life moves inside of you. Now is the time to notice.You are in a dangerous place. This is something tangible that a person can start to work with. A clear knowing that you do not know and a willingness to look more closely.
Common Ways of Avoiding What is Presenting Itself
I’m going to shift gears here and talk about very human ways of dealing with depression which are not helpful. Again this list of examples will not be long but it may give you a flavor of where to direct your attention.
Distraction: The most common effort is seeking distraction to something other than what is being felt. This can feel effective but it is only effective for the short term. It is not bad to shift ones attention. However, it is a non-action as it relates to depression. In this there is no deeper understanding of oneself or others. There is no exploration and therefore no resolve.
Willpower: Another common focus can be utilizing willpower to make tomorrow different. This is common especially if a person has used their willpower routinely and gotten good or excellent results in another area of life. Willpower can be powerful but not when it comes to depression. A person’s inner world, when it starts to darken, needs deeper probing, deeper quiet, to start to gain understanding. Using willpower to clear up depression tends to ingrain a sense of hopelessness. Willpower tends to have the mindset of fixing depression but take note, depression is more wily than willpower.
Willpower can be utilized. Here are a few examples of how willpower may be used: willpower can help by creating structure that supports when to move toward parts of you that are less clear; willpower can be used to form questions about ones own depression but willpower will not be useful in answering these questions; willpower can help by finding space in ones life to explore how depressive symptoms are fed and maintained; willpower may be used in meeting small daily goals; willpower can be used to overcome hesitancy in seeking and accepting help.
Willpower needs the quieter element of patience to gain insight. Willpower needs to understand its limits as it relates to depression.
Attitude: Another way people try to manage depression is by attempting to change ones attitude. These are the folks who change their presentation to reflect happiness, optimism, and a giving heart. It is well intended. Part of the effort may come from a genuine place. There are optimistic people. But this is where someone may use optimism as a façade. An optimistic façade can help a person get through a day. It is much less helpful to get through a month because it is superficial, not real; there is a lack of an internal foundation to stand on. Change of attitude equates to pretending, and pretending for long periods of time is based in nothing. You end up standing in nothing and nothing is an insecure place. When people do this there is movement from a place well intended but not deeply rooted.
What can be immediately useful when there is a chronic use of a positive attitude is to ask oneself, “how are you?” And then wait. Allow an honest answer to come forth. This can be done privately and takes a few minutes. Even better is asking this question and writing about your response or writing about a lack of a clear response. This is like opening a window and getting some fresh air in. The honest answer may not be positive nor clear the first few weeks you try; but the exploration feels real. There will be a strong tendency to continue to be whatever version of upbeat that feels required. The reasons for presenting an optimistic attitude tend to be personal and complex and can be addressed. It is a kind of masking and any kind of masking increases depression and anxiety.
Opening up that window on a daily basis, reaching in and grasping what is more honest and presenting it to oneself, is a very good start. Doing that one exercise of honesty is one step toward oneself and can help break up the pleasant façade and move toward truly listening and caring for oneself.
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We humans can dream up many more ways that move us toward depression. That depressed part is thirsting for something genuine. There is no possible way to navigate life effectively until life is allowed to come to rest. Depression may be the way that life forces you to come to rest. Once some space is made, there is an opportunity, beckoning you to contemplate what is being placed before you. Trying to do life without contemplating events as they happen is like trying to read while driving a car. It’s dangerous and you aren’t gaining anything. How can you know which way to move if you don’t settle into your current experience and take a look around?
An episode of depression can resolve and become part of you. If depression returns it is a reminder that there is more to explore, and that you have neglected something inside or outside of you. Genuine care is necessary. You can get to know the terrain or you can find someone who knows the terrain and they can give you pointers. This gives you the personal tools to navigate its waters more effectively. Reach out to someone you trust. I do believe this is important to emphasize because life will throw everything at you. Life will challenge your level of maturity, and a response is required. Therapy should move a person toward a greater ability to look closely and honestly at where one is, find where there is a lack of care and love, become fully aware of the current situation, and respond. The goal of therapy is to become an effective, loving, mature, and unique human being who can shift and maneuver through one’s own complexity and the complexity of living an engaged life.
Citations
Dissociative disorders-Symptoms and causes – Mayo Clinic